Words of the Wise Wednesday

"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
Coco Chanel

Pity Party Table for One Please...

On my 28th birthday, Chris and I went to this South American restaurant. There we were, me sipping on a mojito , Chris with some exotic beer and he then he sprang it on me. He said, "I was going to get you some flowers, but I think you'll like this better. I think we should start trying to have a baby." It would be an understatement to say that I was beyond excited. Because I was.
The baby bug bit me a long time ago and I've been itching for a little one for quite some time.

But, like every girl who is "trying", that monthly reminder that you're not pregnant brings mixed emotions. But you keep on trying. In the mean time, I would secretly look at Gap Maternity, read pregnancy magazines in Barnes and Nobles and envision my dream nursery. In the meantime, everyone else got pregnant or had a baby! My boss, co-worker and couple of friends. Lets just say a lot of women in my everyday life, which makes a girl who's trying to get pregnant feel a little blue.

And then the other shoe dropped.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, Refuge did another Thanksgiving dinner for our addicts who weren't able to have one. Chris and I were fighting about church and I was just an emotional basket case. I DID NOT want to go to church and drove separate from Chris. Cried the whole way there, walked in, set my mashed potatoes down and went to the bathroom. I sat down on the floor and cried. When I heard Chris come in, I grabbed him and wouldn't let him leave my side. As we circled up to pray for the meal, our friends the Arnolds made an announcement. Yep, you guessed it. "We're pregnant!" I looked at Chris and then I burst into tears. Then I heard someone say... something to the effect of "Robin's so happy she's crying!" Oh God. I did make my way over to Mary to hug her and congratulate her. I'm not a complete jerk after all! But the rest of the night, I just teared up off and on.

Since then, I've had a come to Jesus with well, Jesus. And Chris. And I've been trying to be gracious and kind and patient. I do better some days more than others. But don't we all? Today, wasn't one of those days. All the girls went shopping and lunch. Mary talked endlessly about babies, and pregnancy and strollers and maternity jeans and onesies and list goes on.Which, she should. She is pregnant and this is a very exciting time for her. But, a sad time for me. So, I bit my lip, I smiled, I did my best supportive friend, but at times I had to walk away.

Today, I had a pitty party.

2010

It's a new year and with new years comes new goals!

1.Start exercising regularly and lose 10 pounds

2. Eat healthy-more fruits and veggies and less candy and chips

3. Grow out my hair

4. Become more spontaneous; not just say no because it wasn't in the plans.

5. Let my husband know he is loved and cherished every day

6.Read and complete a book every month

7. Plan and start to save for a vacation to Dinsey World

8. Call my friends and family on a more consistent basis

9. Look for a new job

10. Enjoy my life, my circumstances and the people that fill it.

Just another manic Monday

I HATE Mondays. I dread Mondays, all week-end long. I always have about 3 reports due first thing Monday morning. I always get to the office about 10 minutes too late And I never like anything I'm wearing because, I just threw something together at the last minute. Did I mention that I hate Mondays?!

So here's just a few things I do love!

Last minute dinner runs to Chipotle with Chris
My new boots that I got for Christmas
My wedding rings
Hot bubble baths
old people
Getting a new haircut (which I intend on doing this week)
Crockpots
This
And this
The name Lucy June if I have a daughter (isn't that just the best name?!)
The movie "500 Days of Summer"

What do you love?

And it feels....

....like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it's coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Just embrace

It all came to a head last night. I was done. Done being a church planter and done being a pastor's wife. And I told Chris that this was it. I was moving back to Texas and taking Rufus with me.

Seriously. I'd been feeling this for a long while. I'm fed up with how slow it feels our church is moving and growing. The feeling of sheer frustration of always being "the bread winner" and never knowing how it would feel to get to something I actually want to do. The sadness and fear I've hidden about wanting a baby, but knowing that we can't afford to have one. The pressure of being happy we moved to a place that's cold all the time and feels like a million miles away from everyone I love.

So, with my mind made up and my toughest face on I broke the news to Chris. He was more than upset (naturally) but in his kindest and most loving voice he ministered to me. He talked me down from the ledge and he counseled me. It was hard for me to listen, but it was everything I need hear for a LONG time. Longer than I'd like to admit.

Because for months now, I've had no connection with God. I haven't talked to Him, haven't been reading about Him, sure haven't been listening to Him and checked out of every conversation about Him at church.

And not only have I been ignoring my relationship with God, but with my sister, my closest friends and with Chris. I've been harboring all sorts of resentments against all of them. Bitterness and anger have been my companions for the past 5 or 6 months. And I have used them well and I've used them often.

I know that God wants me to just embrace. Just Embrace. To embrace my friends here and embrace Refuge Community Church. But, I just don't want to. It's so much easier to blame Chris for making us move here. It's much easier to blame God for never providing what I want him to provide. To blame everyone around me for a laundry list of reasons that I hurt and ache. Because if I embrace all this then it feels like I have to let go of my old life and move on with this new one. I have to admit that I am not actually that great at relationships and that I do have a disfunctional family. And that I do grace.

So this morning after a very restless night, I talked to God. I cried and cried and cried to Him. And it felt good. I had forgotten how good it could feel.

My goals the next couple of days is to re-learn to trust God. To put more trust in Chris and learn to embrace.

Just embrace.

Gone is a flash!

These summer months have just flown. I seems like I just got back from my trip to Texas, but here it is August. Well a lot has happened the past month or so. Chris's dad died. It was sudden, or at least to us it was and it was sad. Chris has not talked to his dad in a long time and to be honest. I have always dreaded the day I would get that phone call. It came sooner than I expected, but isn't that how life is. Chris went to the funeral and he actually preformed it. Is that the proper way to say that? Well anyway, he spoke, read scripture and invited everyone to say happy or funny memories about his dad. He just might top the bravery list in my book.
Refuge had our first interest meeting last week. It went really great and I can't beleive it's all happening. Ten people showed up and probably 90% of those people will be involved in forming Refuge. We had dinner at our house, followed by a short intro. by Chris and then some handouts. Seems so official for something that has been just a thought for so long. And we have another interest meeting in a couple of weeks. Again, I am just so astounded in what God is doing and has done to get us to this place.
We also added another member to the Richardson family. Ivan the Siberian Husky. He is 10 weeks old and totally adorable. Things are crazy in the morning with two puppies, but manageable. We official have or will have two big dogs. We are now "those people".
And starting this weekend, we will also have two new roommates. The Kinsers are moving in this Friday! Yes, yes it is true. They are moving to Denver to help with the church and so Grant can finish up at Denver Seminary. They haven't been able to find jobs or housing, so they are moving in with us until the time being. I realize it sounds crazy and that it will probably be crazy, but we are about community and what better way to have community then to live it.
Below is a quick snapshot of our summer.