Saturday, August 28, 2010

A Santa Claus God

Well, I went to the OBGYN yesterday for an appointment. It's been a year that we've been trying and I told myself that if I wasn't pregnant by August I would go to the doctor and find out what to do next. Turns out what I have to do next is call a reproductive endocrinology (infertility) doctor. Not what I was hoping for, but there it is.

The thing is, that I was REALLY thought I would be pregnant this month. I honestly thought that after having a awful year of feeling let down, miserable and broken that God would reward me with a positive pregnancy test. Because, despite having a terrible 28th year of my life, I also tried to work on my short comings. I overcame a lot of struggles and really worked and prayed through some of my issues, so naturally I thought God would grant me this one wish. I thought if I was good enough He would give me the beautiful gift of motherhood.

But He hasn't.

Because, God isn't Santa Claus. He doesn't give you what you want if you are good this year. I mean, it'd be nice if He did, cause I'd also like a new house, car and an endless supply of mint chocolate chip ice cream. But that's just not how He loves us. That's not the relationship He wants to have with me. A relationship where He gives me what I want and then I in turn love Him more, because He gave me what I wanted.

When I realized this revelation this morning, it made me sad. Sad that I've been hanging on to this for such a long time. A whole year. An entire year waisted on waiting around for God to step down from heaven and hand me a baby. 365 days gone on being angry with my Father for "not loving me enough to give me "my heart's desire". 12 months that I could have spent enjoying my life with my husband, my friends and my church, instead of always thinking about how much happier I'd be if I were just pregnant. All because I mixed up God with Santa Claus.

So where do I go from here? It's hard to let go of something that you've spent every hour of every day focusing on, but it's time I let this go. It won't easy. Honey, are you reading this? But I do know that I've got to actually let God work in my life, give me purpose and heal my heart, before I will be any good to anyone. Especially to Him.