Just embrace

It all came to a head last night. I was done. Done being a church planter and done being a pastor's wife. And I told Chris that this was it. I was moving back to Texas and taking Rufus with me.

Seriously. I'd been feeling this for a long while. I'm fed up with how slow it feels our church is moving and growing. The feeling of sheer frustration of always being "the bread winner" and never knowing how it would feel to get to something I actually want to do. The sadness and fear I've hidden about wanting a baby, but knowing that we can't afford to have one. The pressure of being happy we moved to a place that's cold all the time and feels like a million miles away from everyone I love.

So, with my mind made up and my toughest face on I broke the news to Chris. He was more than upset (naturally) but in his kindest and most loving voice he ministered to me. He talked me down from the ledge and he counseled me. It was hard for me to listen, but it was everything I need hear for a LONG time. Longer than I'd like to admit.

Because for months now, I've had no connection with God. I haven't talked to Him, haven't been reading about Him, sure haven't been listening to Him and checked out of every conversation about Him at church.

And not only have I been ignoring my relationship with God, but with my sister, my closest friends and with Chris. I've been harboring all sorts of resentments against all of them. Bitterness and anger have been my companions for the past 5 or 6 months. And I have used them well and I've used them often.

I know that God wants me to just embrace. Just Embrace. To embrace my friends here and embrace Refuge Community Church. But, I just don't want to. It's so much easier to blame Chris for making us move here. It's much easier to blame God for never providing what I want him to provide. To blame everyone around me for a laundry list of reasons that I hurt and ache. Because if I embrace all this then it feels like I have to let go of my old life and move on with this new one. I have to admit that I am not actually that great at relationships and that I do have a disfunctional family. And that I do grace.

So this morning after a very restless night, I talked to God. I cried and cried and cried to Him. And it felt good. I had forgotten how good it could feel.

My goals the next couple of days is to re-learn to trust God. To put more trust in Chris and learn to embrace.

Just embrace.