And it feels....

....like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it's coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Just embrace

It all came to a head last night. I was done. Done being a church planter and done being a pastor's wife. And I told Chris that this was it. I was moving back to Texas and taking Rufus with me.

Seriously. I'd been feeling this for a long while. I'm fed up with how slow it feels our church is moving and growing. The feeling of sheer frustration of always being "the bread winner" and never knowing how it would feel to get to something I actually want to do. The sadness and fear I've hidden about wanting a baby, but knowing that we can't afford to have one. The pressure of being happy we moved to a place that's cold all the time and feels like a million miles away from everyone I love.

So, with my mind made up and my toughest face on I broke the news to Chris. He was more than upset (naturally) but in his kindest and most loving voice he ministered to me. He talked me down from the ledge and he counseled me. It was hard for me to listen, but it was everything I need hear for a LONG time. Longer than I'd like to admit.

Because for months now, I've had no connection with God. I haven't talked to Him, haven't been reading about Him, sure haven't been listening to Him and checked out of every conversation about Him at church.

And not only have I been ignoring my relationship with God, but with my sister, my closest friends and with Chris. I've been harboring all sorts of resentments against all of them. Bitterness and anger have been my companions for the past 5 or 6 months. And I have used them well and I've used them often.

I know that God wants me to just embrace. Just Embrace. To embrace my friends here and embrace Refuge Community Church. But, I just don't want to. It's so much easier to blame Chris for making us move here. It's much easier to blame God for never providing what I want him to provide. To blame everyone around me for a laundry list of reasons that I hurt and ache. Because if I embrace all this then it feels like I have to let go of my old life and move on with this new one. I have to admit that I am not actually that great at relationships and that I do have a disfunctional family. And that I do grace.

So this morning after a very restless night, I talked to God. I cried and cried and cried to Him. And it felt good. I had forgotten how good it could feel.

My goals the next couple of days is to re-learn to trust God. To put more trust in Chris and learn to embrace.

Just embrace.

Gone is a flash!

These summer months have just flown. I seems like I just got back from my trip to Texas, but here it is August. Well a lot has happened the past month or so. Chris's dad died. It was sudden, or at least to us it was and it was sad. Chris has not talked to his dad in a long time and to be honest. I have always dreaded the day I would get that phone call. It came sooner than I expected, but isn't that how life is. Chris went to the funeral and he actually preformed it. Is that the proper way to say that? Well anyway, he spoke, read scripture and invited everyone to say happy or funny memories about his dad. He just might top the bravery list in my book.
Refuge had our first interest meeting last week. It went really great and I can't beleive it's all happening. Ten people showed up and probably 90% of those people will be involved in forming Refuge. We had dinner at our house, followed by a short intro. by Chris and then some handouts. Seems so official for something that has been just a thought for so long. And we have another interest meeting in a couple of weeks. Again, I am just so astounded in what God is doing and has done to get us to this place.
We also added another member to the Richardson family. Ivan the Siberian Husky. He is 10 weeks old and totally adorable. Things are crazy in the morning with two puppies, but manageable. We official have or will have two big dogs. We are now "those people".
And starting this weekend, we will also have two new roommates. The Kinsers are moving in this Friday! Yes, yes it is true. They are moving to Denver to help with the church and so Grant can finish up at Denver Seminary. They haven't been able to find jobs or housing, so they are moving in with us until the time being. I realize it sounds crazy and that it will probably be crazy, but we are about community and what better way to have community then to live it.
Below is a quick snapshot of our summer.

I know... I know...

I am way over due for an update, but I was waiting to post some pictures of my house. And I didn't want to put any up until I had it looking cute. And I'm still in the process of making it cute. So alas, I will give a tiny update on life with the Richardson.
Chris is no longer working nights... Have I mentioned that? Because I should have. It's awesome having him home at night.
Rufus is growing bigger and cuter by the day. He is learning all sorts of tricks and loves his new backyard.
We love our new neighborhood, we can walk to a bunch of trendy shops and restaurants. See for yourself!The Highlands. Makes you want to visit us huh?
My job is really stressful and demanding right now. They had to shave hours off manager's schedule and cut their pay accordingly and it's basically up to me to bring in more residents to our nursing home so everyone can get their time and money back. My boss told me it's not personal, it's business. I almost quoted Kathleen Kelly from You've Got Mail to her, but it didn't really seem like the time. But just for the record, business is always personal. I'll move on.
The Cogsdils are moving here this weekend. I think it must be so amazing for Chris to see his dream start to shape and become reality. I also think it's amazing, and really glad to have more friends in Denver. I think it's incredible that people are moving here and leaving everything they know to be apart of Refuge. We are really blessed.
I now know why I moved to Denver.... for the summers! It hasn't gotten over 80 degrees the entire month of June. It rocks! On the other hand, we've had a ton of thunderstorms with hail and tornado watches. So, that doesn't rock so much.
And is anybody else worried about Jon and Kate Plus 8?! I am seriously stressed and upset about them. Chris thinks it's just a big media gig for more ratings, but why would anyone put themselves through that for ratings?! I've been praying for them... I know kinda dumb, but I can't help it!
And... I have roses growing in my front yard. This picture isn't them, but they look just like it!

Chaos and Peace

Chaos...
My apartment at the current moment, because we are moving this Sunday.
My job.
My mind at night because I keep thinking of all the things I want/need for my new house.
The idea of having another puppy and crate training him.
Moving so many people in their perspective homes this summer
Trying to fit a fun summer schedule around Chris's crazy work hours.
What my stomach feels like when I'm anxious or worried.

Peace...
What my darling husband would like me to be.
What I pray for unceasingly
How I feel when I go to the mountains
What Chris offers the addicts at Denver Rescue Mission
How I felt right after I married Chris. I mean right after!
What I beleive God tires to give me graciously, and I reject over and over even though I asked for it.

The 8

My8s
8 things I am looking forward to
1.Summer time in Colorado! Warm days and cool evenings spent outside with Chris and Rufus. Playing, eating and enjoying the good life.
2. Moving into our rent house and decorating it!
3. When Chris doesn't have to work nights anymore and we can enjoy a date night that doesn't end at 8:30pm.
4. My mini-trip to SA to see my folks and eating as much Mexican food as I can.
5. All of our friends moving up here
6. Getting started on Refuge Community Church
7. Bringing home a little friend for Rufus. (A puppy named Jessie or Toby)
8. Exploring even more parts of Denver and just knowing where things are.
8 things I did yesterday
1. Worked as the manager on duty at my nursing home
2. Went to the grocery store and got excited about the fruit salad I'm going to make
3. Took a nap with Rufus... me on the couch, him on the floor with his towels.
4. Looked at about 30 different rent houses on craigslist.
5. Watched a movie instead of cleaning my apartment
6. Attended a jewelry party at my boss's house, met some new girls and had a great time!
7. Re-read Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince.
8. Waisted too much time on the computer.
8 things I wish I could do
1. Go on an exotic vacation for at least 2 weeks.
2. That I could work any job I wanted to and not have to worry about the salary.
3. Not be such a worrier.
4. go to culinary school and be a chef or maybe an interior designer
5. But all my groceries at Whole Foods
6. Be better at enjoying my life and not just waiting for the next big thing to happen
7. be more creative
8. Better at following through
8 shows I watch
1. Lost
2. The Office
3. Good Morning America
4. Brothers and Sisters
5. The Bachelor
6. First Time Buyers
7. Top Chef/Project Runway (whichever is on at the time)
8. King of the Hill
8 people I tag
Chris (even though I know you hate these things)
Misty
Ashley
Kim
Holly
Rachael
Catherine Elizabeth
Bethany

No Dice

Well it's official. The house was already rented out to someone and Chris did not get the job. Chris was bummed, but my prayer has been that if he didn't get the job that God would reassure him that He had something else in mind. And this morning when Chris came home from work, he was in a fantastic mood and telling me all the the things he's grateful for in our life. As for the house that I loved... I'm disappointed, but there are other cute houses out there and for probably a lot cheaper. I'll keep looking and praying that the right one will come along.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for us! It really means a lot to me.