Yeah, here's the deal. I am really not a happy camper these days. Or really since we've been here in Denver. In fact, I've never felt more of a mix of emotions. They range between, this is a cool city and I'm glad we're here to God's work to I want to go home. Today.
And here's why.
I really, truly, deep down in my heart, felt like this was going to be an easy transition. I thought, it would be about 2 weeks, I'd find a job that I loved and Chris would too. I thought we find some friends, and we'd be on our way to getting Refuge Community Church on the road. Boy was I wrong. The reality is that I am working at a job that I hate. And I do mean hate. Chris has yet to find a job and becomes increasingly more and more discouraged every day. The other side of this is that is really is getting to me is God. Yeah, God. When we were in Waco and getting ready to move, I saw and felt God doing amazing and crazy acts of providence. He helped us sell all of our furniture, paid our credit card ( yes He really did that) and fit all of our worldly belongs into our cars. (Which still kinda amazes me. Because there was A LOT.)And that was just a few things. But now, I feel like He has abandoned us. I mean we are very much alone in all this. I mean, no really knows how we feel in all this. None of my family or friends have ever moved to another state to start a church with people that haven't even come yet.I know that people might know people that have done this sort of thing, but Chris and I don't. So, when people say, "well at least you have a job" or "I just have to remember that God's plan is different then ours." that may be true, but it's not comforting. And it doesn't make feel like I'm lucky or that all the waiting and feeling alone that I've done feel any easier. It makes me sad and just kinda mad. Not just mad for me, but for Chris too. And for anyone that might be moving here to do this and might have to go through this too. I am sad and I feel alone. I feel burdened and helpless. And I keep thinking God is going to come and rescue me, rescue us from this awfulness, but so far nothing. I am tired of crying out to the heavens and waiting to hear that comforting voice that I've heard so many times before, because all I just hear a lot of static.
I'm sorry that I've been lying to all of you and saying that Colorado is great and we love it here. Because I don't feel that way. I feel alone and abandoned. And no one can fix it.
5 comments:
Thank you for being so honest. I know that sometimes people expect you to feel a certain way about something exciting, and it is embarrassing (at least is was for me) to feel completely the opposite. However, it allows the people who care about you to be able to pray specifically for you. So, please know that you are heavy on my heart and I am on my knees for you, dear friend.
I love you, I love Chris, I love your honesty, and I love your committment to your call. I 100% believe it is awful right now...but I also 100% believe you guys are acting in faith and God will come through...Holly sent me this song when I hated living in NC...remember then? you sent me a care package...anyways...here is a link to the lyrics...buy this song and listen to it. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/sara-groves/painting-pictures-of.html
Oh my sweet friend. My turn to be honest? My initial reaction to this post is "that is more like it." Don't get me wrong, I am not your lousy friend who has been waiting around for you to fall apart so that I could say "I told you so." I just know that you and Chris are doing this really important thing and I expected that God would be doing some serious molding and remodeling in your lives. And that can be really painful.
I know that you feel alone right now. But you are not. Please remember that. And I have never moved to another state and done all of the things that you are doing. I have moved to a brand new city 9 months pregnant, with no home and no jobs, followed by two years that never seemed to get easier. So at the very least I can relate to your anger, confusion, and the tempation to feel hopeless and abandoned. I wish I could give you all of the answers to the test and list all of the things that God has taught me so that you can move past this quickly. But I cannot. All I can tell you is that God is faithful. He really is. But He is also relentless in His guidance and discipline and sometimes it just hurts. The only advice I can give is to cling to His word. It is the only way to combat all of the feelings that take us on such a wild ride.
I love you my friend. I AM praying for you guys. And I am here no matter what you need.
I love you, Robin! I'm so glad Kim told you to look at the lyrics for that Sarah Groves song. That was the song that changed my life in college. Another good song is This Road by ginny owens. Hang in there, friend.
I wish so much that I could physically be there to be your friend right now! I don't totally understand because we had the blessing of walking into a church plant that was already getting on its feet, but even in that I've experienced the loneliness and feelings of complete isolation from the world around you because you are so far from "home". Our pastor and his wife did go into the same situation as you all, so if it would help to have any wisdom from them I'd be glad to connect you. I'm praying for you!
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