Merry Christmas!

Bloging drought

ok, ok i know. it's been awhile... a drought, really. so a few quick updates, and i promise something more soon.

1. chris and i are going to seattle this summer! we were going to california, but things change and now we are headed to see the space needle. I REALLY want to stay here! it's perfect, no?
2. i am re-reading all of the harry potter books. i love that dang wizard.
3. the past few months, i've been choosing a word and meditating and praying about it. this month the word is joy. i even have the word displayed in a few places around my house.
4. confession. i love gwyneth paltrow. i loved her even more after seeing this.
5. i'm obsessed with this song.
6. a couple of weeks ago someone tweeted a quote from chris's sermon. i thought i was going to burst with pride.
7. it has hardly snowed at all in denver this year. i couldn't be happier. :)
8. i'm going to buy these with my fun money next month. they'll come in hand when it does snow.
9. on my christmas list will be all three twilight movies.
10. and speaking of christmas... we took christmas pictures for the first time this year. so i'll need your addresses to send you a card!

A Santa Claus God

Well, I went to the OBGYN yesterday for an appointment. It's been a year that we've been trying and I told myself that if I wasn't pregnant by August I would go to the doctor and find out what to do next. Turns out what I have to do next is call a reproductive endocrinology (infertility) doctor. Not what I was hoping for, but there it is.

The thing is, that I was REALLY thought I would be pregnant this month. I honestly thought that after having a awful year of feeling let down, miserable and broken that God would reward me with a positive pregnancy test. Because, despite having a terrible 28th year of my life, I also tried to work on my short comings. I overcame a lot of struggles and really worked and prayed through some of my issues, so naturally I thought God would grant me this one wish. I thought if I was good enough He would give me the beautiful gift of motherhood.

But He hasn't.

Because, God isn't Santa Claus. He doesn't give you what you want if you are good this year. I mean, it'd be nice if He did, cause I'd also like a new house, car and an endless supply of mint chocolate chip ice cream. But that's just not how He loves us. That's not the relationship He wants to have with me. A relationship where He gives me what I want and then I in turn love Him more, because He gave me what I wanted.

When I realized this revelation this morning, it made me sad. Sad that I've been hanging on to this for such a long time. A whole year. An entire year waisted on waiting around for God to step down from heaven and hand me a baby. 365 days gone on being angry with my Father for "not loving me enough to give me "my heart's desire". 12 months that I could have spent enjoying my life with my husband, my friends and my church, instead of always thinking about how much happier I'd be if I were just pregnant. All because I mixed up God with Santa Claus.

So where do I go from here? It's hard to let go of something that you've spent every hour of every day focusing on, but it's time I let this go. It won't easy. Honey, are you reading this? But I do know that I've got to actually let God work in my life, give me purpose and heal my heart, before I will be any good to anyone. Especially to Him.

today is...

rainy and cold. a high of 51 degrees. in the middle of june, no less. and i'm working today after three days of jury duty. Can anyone say LAME? so I have been thinking of things i enjoy, so as not to be totally bummed out. here's what i came up with. not extraordinary, but it's all i have, so bare with me. or is it bear?

1. friends coming to denver for a visit. (kerri fisher and the johnsons. i promise to show ya'll a good time.)

2. pandora. its all that's kept me sane today.

3. my MAC superglass lipgloss

4. top chef is starting back on wednesday after a way too long hiatus

5. getting a new grill.

6. rufus, my dog. who has the cutest dog face i've ever seen.

7. movies in the park.

8. buying an adorable cupcake stand to put these on. :)

9. sending this sweet friend her baby care package

10. and see this sweet friend's new baby! born on friday and so adorable that i just can't wait to squeeze him!



and just to prove that rufus really does have the cutest dog face ever, here's a picture. it's when he was a puppy, but who cares! plus i love this little family picture!

Words of the Wise Wednesday

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.
What we need is to love without getting tired."
Mother Teresa

They Call Me Mellow Yellow

Confession. I am in love with the color yellow! I don't know if it's because winter in Denver has decided to extend itself into an unwelcome visitor, or if all the beautiful daffodils around town have given me a cheery disposition, but I am lovin the yellow. And birds too. I am attracted to anything with birds these days. And if there is a possibility of having bird with something yellow, well then I am sold! Here's a few things that I plan on adding to my life asap!

Public vs Private

Chris and I always get into fights about how much we tell our friends. Chris wants everyone to know pretty much everything about us, and I like to give the bare minimum. As Chris so wisely pointed out to me, it has a lot to do with our families and how we're brought up. Chris's family was just really honest about their struggles and issues. My family definitely had our share of struggles and issues, we just didn't tell anyone about them. So, naturally this spills over into our married life. I still do not like to share and Chris does! In the spirit of sharing struggles, issues and even praises... here they are.

I'll start out with a praise, in January I applied for another marketing job. I was really fed up with my job at the nursing home and was ready to move up in salary. So, I had two interviews with a company and then they called me up and offered me the job! I also negotiated for an even higher salary then they offered. It was a HUGE raise! So, I met with my boss, who I really do love, and handed her my resignation letter. I started to cry, she started to cry and I told her why I felt I needed to leave. I'll leave out all the boring details, but the day ended with a salary match and a very complimentary speech from the President, begging me to stay. I decided to stay and most days am glad I decided to stay.

Issues... Refuge is going really great. I would like to say that it has been an honor to watch Chris fall into his pastoral position. He has handled so many situations with such wisdom, compassion and heart. But, what church plant doesn't have it's issues? For that matter, what church doesn't have it's issues? As many of you know a lot of our church is made up of recovering addicts. I think it what has been hard for me is that I get really attached to people. All people. And sometimes recovering addicts relapse and leave. Some don't necessarily relapse, but they do make poor decisions. And that's hard. It's just a hard part of ministry, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get used to it. Another hard thing has been the loneliness I've felt as a pastor's wife. I don't know what else to say about it, other than I just feel lonely.

And on to the struggles. I'm sorry if I'm always talking about this, I don't mean to be annoying about it, but it is my struggle. We are still not pregnant. And I think about it everyday. Everyday.It has been 8 months and we are still not pregnant. And no amount of encouragement or "I'm sure it'll happen for you soon" makes my heart feel any better about it. I've just had to put my hope in the Lord. I told myself yesterday morning that I have a good life. I have a husband who loves me dearly, a church family who loves me and a career that I enjoy. I have no room to complain. That got me through yesterday, but today was a little harder.

Now that it's all typed out, none of this seems so bad to share. I guess sometimes my husband is right.